i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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