she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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