Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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