Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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