I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
