I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
