i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize