I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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