don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize