If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
