I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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