dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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