Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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