take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
