At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
