Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
