He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
