I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My vagina is officially offended.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
