he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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