So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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