I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
only you would photoshop your dick
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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