Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
