just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
