"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
