I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize