no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
