mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
