I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
