My balls are so social today.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
