I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I came so hard my ears popped.
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