is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
