shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
