Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
