dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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