Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
