How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
