Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
