I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize