I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
