Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
