she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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