he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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