Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
