Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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