in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
