I cannot find my penis.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
