I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
