3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
