he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize