Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you didnt know i had herpes?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
