since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
