Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I wish there were birth control emojis
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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