i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
