Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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