Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
