I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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