ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
