i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
