Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
