why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
