I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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