I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
