No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
