It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can't turn off my feet"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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