my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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