Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're a waste of cheezeits
the liver wants what the liver wants
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
