dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
